An aged bottle of merlot is left hidden within barebacked novels on the second shelf of the bookcase. Those same mahogany stained planks also bear the weight of her last moments of sincere joy. Encased in a rose gold frame that has been tainted by sadness, the photograph remains untouched. Although it will remain a distant memory, time tells no tale of the love she had toward the soul behind those soft green eyes.
Ive written so many letters in hopes of feeling better but instead I left a note cause they all went through the shredder. I couldn’t handle the pressure so I severed all the ties. All of what kept us together; All the bullshit and the lies. I pleaded for the effort, developed pictures, and shelter while holding on like a beggar spending his last silver treasure. Bombarded by memories of being unable to keep measure. Never knowing what your worth is the worst feeling ever.
when you get stuck in your head space
do you let go, follow it up or stand in place
do you forget everything that you ever said to anybody
then you drink just to calm down all the nerves
that you got building up deep inside you
would you ever think that your mind would defy you
i wouldn’t lie to you if it came down to it
id rather die than to hide and be a hypocrite
cause in this life it is hard enough just to find
someone alike in deeper thought and an open mind
so when you find someone just like this
you better hold on tighter than a vice grip
or they might slip into the hands of another hit
figures too priceless bruised by a counterfeit
i don’t like the sounds of it so ill never quit
never give up let me fight ’til i end the shit
I paint yet another fake smile on my face to appease everybody who may be coming my way or at least to not show how I really feel at the moment. Buckled knees I collapse to the ground as I heave. I can’t breath, I can’t see yet still no one notices me because I’m standing there at attention, connected in conversation and holding it all in. My body is under siege from its own self. I’m being attacked by thoughts that I can’t help. But I’m still there acting as if I’m aware of what’s going on when really it’s too much to bare. It’s not my intention and I’m sorry I don’t mean to stare. You’re the only being in the universe that is keeping me calm as I am falling off of this cliff into the inevitable dark abyss. Yet you have no idea and you probably never will.
What is meant to be a first, the day of honor and love, is captured behind the virtue of a perfect white dress. The significance of purity and virginity tails behind the bride as she steps her way down the ruby red velvet isle towards her forever love to be. She trembles from the sheer nervousness while looking into her father’s golden speckled hazel eyes and holding his calloused hand. At the white rose covered alter her father let’s go, knowing his daughter will always be his little girl no matter who holds her innocent heart.
The evil is within but I’m not referencing the video game
This life is full of sin yet we don’t tug on the reigns
Nor do we try to change, married to that Mary Jane
Addicted to that coke, sweet heroin, sipping purple drank
The epidemic; The spider web full of venom
Is eating us all alive through the veins of one another
The pains that one will go through to tame the rush
They find another gateway to settle the dust and forget you
You end up alone cause that’s not what made you
I wanted to write you a letter
Actually I have written you three
To tell you everything that I’ve done
Ask you all sorts of things
How are you? And where have you gone?
But you would have read the return address
Mocked at the handwriting that had run
Ripped it up into pieces burned it to forget all the wrong
I dialed your number a couple of times
Stared at the screen wondering if you would answer
Then I felt that you would hate me even more
Beyond your hatred for cancer
So I proceeded to delete your contact from my phone
Which didn’t help since I had it memorized all along
Even if you did pick up maybe you wouldn’t have known
I promised myself that I wouldn’t get like I did
I was broken inside for months after you left
I have nothing against you; not anymore
I have learned to forgive you as I did myself
And what’s more is that I have taken the time
To find the words I feel express me right and string them in line
Carry on and take care for I no longer attest
Farewell and goodbye I certainly wish you the best
There’s no point in trying when all you do it get lied to,
Yeah, that small voice when you’re crying,
Damn it stand up, you can fight too,
Look right out over the water, the past is waving goodbye,
Apparently love didn’t matter, stuck you with the questions, why?
When did it fall apart? How long has it been? Days?
Why didn’t we try to work it out? Why didn’t you want to stay?
I should have seen it coming and recognized your ways,
But I was too focused on class and working for minimum wage,
Now I’m flipping another page in my book, look what it took,
How does it feel now? Say, its like pulling heart strings with a hook,
I refuse to sink but I don’t have the technique to swim to shore,
In less time that it takes to blink, the pain will be crushing even more,
The pressure that sits and waits, haunting every thought you think,
Is the horror behind the corner, another horrible link,
Holes in the wall, cracked, foundations will fall,
But until then I grab a hold and continue to stand tall.
She’s just another kid on the block,
Independent dress style; wearing two different multicolored socks,
She has a hole in left shoe from kicking the misplaced sticks and rocks,
From the front pocket of her sweater she pulls out a stick of white chalk,
To color her name at the end of the broken sidewalk,
The neighborhood boys would run by making faces and mock,
She would sit against the paint-peeled fence and wait for the last chime of the church clock,
To walk back home, still too nervous to talk,
At school she shuffled along in the overfilled halls,
Clutching her class books underneath her arms so they wouldn’t fall,
Hoping no one would seek the reason as to why she doesn’t speak,
Or the jagged and deep cuts hidden beneath her baggy long sleeves,
She needs someone to listen, who she can trust and be forgiven,
But no one is able to see through her invisibility cloak, her prison.